


Our Early Days Are Always With Us

by sandssavvy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Nott is a good mama, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Trauma, Trent must die!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-08 06:31:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14688450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandssavvy/pseuds/sandssavvy
Summary: Sometimes the past won't let you rest.After a run in with Trent, Caleb isn't sure he will ever find rest again.Chapter 3:The Mighty Nein discover a plot against one of their own.There are some things you can't hide from.





	1. The past is never where you think you left it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic contains spoilers for Critical Role: Campaign 2 - Episode 18. Also, look at the tags for warnings. I wasn't kidding about the angst.  
> Beta read by byzantiine (from ao3) and Agtemis in the wm discord.

 

After their most recent meeting with The Gentleman, Caleb took a quick trip through the Tri-Spires before business closed for the night. He'd kept his hood up as a precaution while traveling alone.

Caleb was speed-reading his new book on magical theory, from a hole-in-the-wall shop, while he returned to the Leaky Tap. He’d had to ritual cast comprehend languages in order to understand the ancient Draconic text, but it was worth the trouble.

Frumpkin was draped across Caleb’s shoulders and occasionally his tail would sweep across the pages of the book. Caleb gently lifted the cat’s tail off of his book when it lingered too long where he was reading. Frumpkin let out a mildly disgruntled, “mrrp,” noise and Caleb felt his claws dig into his shoulders as Frumpkin stood up. The feeling of his cat arching and stretching against the back of Caleb’s neck was very soothing.

 

Petting his cat earned Caleb a purr accompanied by a tail swatting him directly in the face. Unfortunately, that was all the distraction needed for Caleb to nearly be bowled over by someone else. He stopped and reached up to steady Frumpkin while the other man passed.

 

“Watch where you’re going, young man.”

 

The book nearly dropped from Caleb’s lax fingers as he swayed forward. His mind was blank with shock, and he could no longer understand the words on the page. He knew that voice. He would never be able to forget it.

 

He didn’t hear the other man walking away. He must have stopped behind Caleb. Standing frozen in the street was drawing attention to himself. Caleb’s mouth was dry and his chest felt tight with barely concealed panic. He nodded his head and started to leave

 

“Wait, do I know you?” Trent Ikithon asked. Caleb could feel the intensity of his stare burning into the back of his head.

 

Fighting to calm his breathing, Caleb focused on a new appearance and cast disguise self. He kept his hands out of view as he cast the spell and whispered the incantation. He mildly altered his appearance. Caleb gave himself slightly rounder well-fed features, a wider nose, brown eyes, and a thinner mouth. Small alterations Trent could have easily missed when they collided, but would hopefully prevent Trent from recognizing him.

 

With his new face, Caleb turned toward Trent. He looked the other man up and down assessingly. Trent was older now, but he still struck an imposing figure.

 

“No,” Caleb hoped he could keep this act up. “I don’t believe we have met.” He was attempting an accent like Bryce’s, but he could barely hear his voice over the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears. Caleb’s mouth felt dry and his legs nearly shook with the need to run.

 

Trent hummed as though considering Caleb’s response, and his eyes narrowed on the book in Caleb’s hands.

 

Caleb couldn’t handle the tension anymore, so he ducked his head as he turned to walk away. He held his breath as he reached the first road juncture. Once he was several streets down he dared to glance back over his shoulder. Trent was gone, and no one appeared to be following him.

 

Caleb gasped for air and braced himself against the wall of a nearby flower stall. His head was swimming and he could feel Frumpkin again as the cat butted against him and kneaded his claws on Caleb’s shoulders. Frumpkin was yowling, and it sounded as though he’d been trying to get his attention for some time.

 

Caleb put the book away. After reaching up, he quickly received an armful of disgruntled cat. He wanted to sit on the ground, clutch Frumpkin, and make the world disappear, but he didn’t feel safe out in the open. Now that they weren’t being watched he could walk faster without worrying about Trent’s suspicion. He hurried quickly out of the Tri-Spires. Once he was out of view of the entrance guards, he ran as fast as his shaking legs could carry him back to the Leaky Tap.

 

It was warm in the tavern, and he could hear Jester’s laughter. He didn’t linger though, he rushed past everyone and headed up the stairs straight to his room. He legs finally gave out from under him once he reached the far corner.

 

Frumpkin meowed in dismay over their abrupt descent, but Caleb simply sat with his knees up and buried his face in Frumpkin’s fur. His shaking hands gently pet Frumpkin as he tried to focus on nothing but the warm furry creature before him.

 

-

 

“Was that Caleb?” Fjord asked. He was considerably less drunk than Nott and Molly. He’d been talking with Beauregard. For some reason, she was against taking on The Gentleman’s most recent job offer. It didn’t matter much to him, but he was confused by her sudden change of heart. Why did Beau want out of Zadash suddenly?

 

“What?” Nott asked while perking up in her chair. Her mask was getting crooked from taking frequent swigs from her flask. The flask may have been a terrible idea.

Before Fjord could do anything about Nott’s mask Jester reached out and straightened it for her. “There you go, Nott.”

 

“Thanks, Jester. What was that about Caleb?” Nott asked again.

 

“Oh, uh, I just saw a redhead with a cat run upstairs. And-” Fjord didn’t get to finish his thought before Nott took off for the stairs herself. The worry alone seemed to sober her up.

 

“Now, what do you think that was about?” Mollymauk asked. He leaned forward heavily against the table as he tried to follow Nott’s flight with his eyes.

 

“I’m sure they’ll tell us if it’s important…” Jester set down her empty milk glass and stood up with a stretch. Her tail reached out and swatted Fjord across his bottom at the end of her stretch. Fjord, of course, retained his dignity and did not sit bolt upright and blush.

 

“Really?” Mollymauk asked skeptically.

 

“ _Nooo_ ,” Jester said as though the idea was ridiculous. “We should practice sneaking like Nott. What if Caleb needs help or someone to listen? I’m _very_ good at listening, but he’s not good at asking for help.”

 

Mollymauk nodded and managed to stand with aid from the table. “Yes, I’m sure we’ll both be needed. After all, who gives better advice than me?”

 

“I don’t know if-” Fjord began to object, but the tieflings were far past listening at this point.

 

“Well, lead the way, my dear,” Molly said with an over-exaggerated bow.

 

Jester laughed and linked arms with Molly. Fjord watched as they left with one tiefling skipping and the other swaying by her side.

 

“This is a bad idea,” Fjord tried to warn them before they got out of earshot.

 

“All the best ideas are!” Mollymauk responded before they ascended the stairs and left Fjord’s line of sight.

 

“Well, that was just completely wrong,” Beau commented from Fjord’s side.

 

-

 

It took Caleb a while to realize someone was talking to him. It wasn’t until Nott’s small hands gently pried him away from Frumpkin that he realized she was there. He stared at her mask and the panicked worry in her golden eyes, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying.

 

Eventually Nott seemed to recognize his struggle because she took the porcelain mask off of her face. It was easier to focus on her voice once he could see her real mouth moving with the words.

 

“What’s wrong, Caleb?” Nott asked as she patted his cheek with a clawed hand. She was always so gentle with him. So much kinder than he deserved.  One of her hands waved in front of his eyes. “Caleb, I need you to answer me. What’s wrong? Why are you in disguise?”

 

He’d forgotten that he’d never dropped disguise self. Caleb concentrated for a moment and ended the spell. Nott made a soft pained sound, but he didn’t know what caused it.

Caleb blinked slowly and tried to clear his throat. Gods, his mouth was dry. _“_ Ich möchte gehen _-_ ” He was interrupted quickly.

 

“I need you to tell me in Common, Caleb.” Nott looked so worried. Why couldn’t he stop worrying her? She already does too much for him despite being younger.

 

“I- we need to leave.” Caleb’s voice came out rough, and he realized he must have been crying when he felt Nott wiping something wet from his face with a rag.

 

“Why? What happened? Did someone hurt you?” Nott’s voice turned harsh at her last question, and she looked him over closely.

 

“I – no, I was not attacked,” Caleb said quietly. He turned his eyes away from her scrutiny and looked back down at where Frumpkin was sitting next to his shoes. “I- I saw Trent when I was in the Tri-Spires.

 

Nott was silent for a moment, and her hand froze before she finally pulled the rag away. “Did he see you.”

 

“I’m… uncertain. He may have seen my real face for a moment, but I used disguise self before I turned around.” Caleb drew his knees closer to his chest. “I hope he did not. But he asked if we’d met before, and I could barely think.” His coward’s heart was still beating too fast in his chest.

 

“Well, most of us wanted to leave soon anyway. I’m sure that I can easily get us out of town in the morning.” One of Nott’s small hands clasped his in reassurance, but he didn’t look up.

 

“Thank you, Nott.” He said quietly while staring down at the agitated swishing of Frumpkin’s tail. He couldn’t meet Nott’s eyes. He was burdening her again…

 

“Of course,” she said. Caleb could see her straighten up out of the corner of his eye.

 

“It’s going to be fine. We’ll be out of town in no time.”

 

He nodded his head but otherwise did not respond as her quiet footsteps left the room.

 

-

 

Nott opened the door nearly causing Mollymauk and Jester to fall into the room. Luckily they caught themselves before collapsing on top of the small goblin.

 

Nott held a finger up in front of her mask when Jester opened her mouth to explain and gestured to the girls’ room. They awkwardly followed her into the other room after she shut Caleb’s door behind her.

 

“Now,” Nott said after they closed the door behind them. “What the fuck were you doing?”

 

Jester wrung her hands together. “I didn’t realize we were going to be listening in on anything _serious_. I thought Caleb was just running off because he wanted to be along with his books or something. I didn’t think he would be crying. Then I didn’t leave because he doesn’t like to ask for help. But he was very upset, and I wanted to know how to help.” Jester looked honestly upset and Nott found it hard to stay mad at her.

 

“And you?” Nott turned her accusing stare on Mollymauk instead.

 

“To be honest I didn’t catch a lot of it. Caleb just sounded sad, and I would have maybe given him space, but I probably would have fallen over if I’d left. I’ve been holding onto Jester to stay upright for the last five minutes,” Mollymauk said.

 

Jester shook her head, “Molly, you should drink some water or milk.”

 

Mollymauk pulled a face at that suggestion. “I’ll be fine. What’s wrong with Caleb?”

 

Nott sliced her hand through the air agitatedly. “All you need to know is that we need to leave town tomorrow.”

 

“But why-” Jester began but Nott interrupted quickly.

 

“Jester, Caleb needs to leave tomorrow. He’s in danger here.” Nott said with a serious intensity they rarely saw from her.

 

Jester shifted a little anxiously. “Well, that’s fine. The city isn’t as fun now that the festival is over anyway. Plus, we already did everything we came here for.”

 

Mollymauk nodded in support, “I rarely stayed anywhere this long in the carnival. Might as well move on to new horizons. I still think we’ll end up conscripted if we stay.”

 

“Good, then since you two are both so helpful, you can help me convince the others,” Nott said brightly with an edge to her already sharp smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes:
> 
> “Ich möchte gehen” translates to “I want to go” I imagine that Caleb sometimes slips back into to Zemnian when he is in shock. Like in the mines.
> 
> “The past is never where you think you left it,” Is a quote by Katherine Anne Porter
> 
> There will be more chapters soon, and the plot is about to begin.
> 
> Hope you are enjoying it so far. I'd love to read any comments.
> 
> If you didn't have enough angst I have a playlist for Caleb here:  
> 8tracks.com/sandssavvy/our-early-days-are-always-with-us-a-caleb-widogast-playlist
> 
> And if you want to rewatch all of Caleb's backstory hints you can watch them here:  
> https://youtu.be/xfev3qQHif0


	2. “During the day, memories could be held at bay"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb's memories try to drag him down.  
> But he isn't alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning** : for first person POV of drowning memories.
> 
> The chapter title comes from this quote  
> “During the day, memories could be held at bay, but at night, dreams became the devil's own accomplices.”  
> ― Sharon Kay Penman, The Reckoning  
> Beta read by byzantiine (from ao3)

 

 

_He couldn’t breathe. He struggled to remember a spell – anything that could help him get his head above the water. But he was caught in a state of animal-panic and his lungs ached with the effort of holding his breath. There were a few spells that he could cast if he was able to get his arms loose from the ropes behind him._

 

_There was a voice above him, deep and resonating though he couldn’t make out the words. The water in his ears muffled everything except his own frenzied thoughts. Caleb fought harder to loosen the ropes, but he couldn’t see and he ended up tightening them instead. The coarse ropes were cutting into his skin, but he kept trying. He couldn’t fail again. He wouldn’t fail in front of them._

 

_His head was plunged further beneath the water. The larger man’s hands were strong and unwavering as they held him down. But the change in position meant that Trent was pressed closer to him. Caleb’s bound hands reached desperately towards the other man. Hoping to find a way to throw him off and finally get a breath of air, even if it didn’t last long._

 

_His hands touched something metallic as he pushed ineffectually at Trent. He grabbed it by instinct and realized it was sharp as it sliced one of his hands. Cutting haphazardly with his bound hands earned him several more small cuts, but he could feel part of the rope shredding. Trying to think of a spell that he could do with only the use of his hands. Something that would let him breathe._

 

_Black spots were overtaking his vision, and his lungs were in agony. It was hard not to breathe in the water even though he knew it wouldn’t save him. Finally, one of his hands came free of the rope, he focused his remaining energy on a simple somatic spell. His hands twisted intricately behind him as he cast Shape Water. The water from the tub surrounding him flew out and onto Trent and the surrounding area._

 

 _Caleb fell_ onto _his side as the older man released him. His whole body shook from gasping for breath. Trent’s dagger fell from Caleb’s slick hand. Chest aching as he heaved deep desperate lungfuls of air and eyes stinging, but he could breathe again and it felt like magic. And perhaps more importantly, he’d finally passed the test._

 

_Trent stood over him, robes damp, smiling with pride. “Well done, Caleb. You see,” Trent turned to face Caleb’s friends who were watching from the doorway with a mixture of relief and joy for his success and jealousy over his accomplishment. “Any magic user should be able to defend themselves. Even if your enemy thinks they can prevent you from casting. People know most spells require you to talk or use your hands. So you have to be able to think clearly even when you are captured and in pain.”_

 

_Caleb was smiling dazedly from the floor. He’d done it. Trent was proud of him. He tried to blink the black spots out of his vision as he sat up. A pounding headache was building in his temples, but he’d proven himself to Trent and his friends._

 

_Trent reached down and took Caleb’s wrists in his hands. He carefully cut away the rest of the rope and looked Caleb’s injuries over appraisingly. “Hopefully next time you will manage to escape without injuring yourself.”_

 

_The ache in his lungs increased at the thought of going through this again. His eyes strayed from Trent and back to the tub that he was held down in._

 

 _“Jawohl,_ mein _Kommandant,” Caleb agreed. His voice came out as a quiet rasp and his eyes never left the tub. He's shaking again, either from the cold water or from the shock of drowning. He felt one of Trent’s hands grasp his chin and tilt Caleb’s head upwards to face him._

 

_“You’ve done well,” Trent said from where he loomed over him. From Caleb’s perspective on the floor, he seemed to fill the room with his presence. “I’m proud of you.”_

_-_

Caleb woke up gasping for air. He felt dizzy and disoriented as he took in his surroundings. He was dry and the room was warm, though his body shook with faint tremors. Nott was standing at the side of the bed looking concerned.

 

“Was ist- What is wrong, Nott,” Caleb asked as he sat up while running his hands through sweat dampened hair. His heart was still pounding in his chest. Sometimes he hated having such a precise memory. It hurt him more than it helps. But he deserved to remember what a fool he was. His stomach churned remembering how he had been warmed by Trent’s praise. How he’d been so _obedient_.

 

Nott climbed onto the bed beside him and looked him over closely. “You were moving a lot in your sleep. For a second I thought you’d stopped breathing, so I tried to wake you up. But- but you were harder to wake than usual.” She explained, her voice uncertain

 

“It was just a bad dream,” Caleb said. His voice was rough and his throat ached. How long did he stop breathing in his sleep? “I didn’t mean to alarm you.” He coughed and thought about getting a glass of water, but maybe water was a bad idea at the moment.

Nott startled when she heard him cough and leaned over to look at him closely. Caleb frowned in confusion and Nott flushed to a darker hue of green.

 

“I thought you might start coughing up salt water, too,” Nott explained.

 

Caleb laughed as he sat up, trying to ignore the pain it caused in his chest and throat. “I believe that will remain Fjord’s problem.”

 

“Well, it was strange,” Nott said. “You’ve had nightmares before, but this went on a long time and I couldn’t wake you.” Worry shone in her golden eyes. Her hands fidgeted anxiously in his sheets.

 

“I think it was worse than usual because I saw Trent yesterday.” He tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes. “Or perhaps I just needed more sleep. I feel as if I have not slept at all.”

 

“It didn’t look restful,” Nott said in agreement. She patted Caleb’s arm companionably. “Maybe this will make you feel better. Fjord and the others went to accept The Gentleman’s out of town assignments, so we’re leaving soon.”

 

Caleb smiled in relief and pulled Nott into a hug. “Thank you, my friend.” Nott hugged him back fiercely. She was always protective after his nightmares.

 

“It’s not like anyone wanted to hang around and risk ending up in the army,” Nott said as she climbed into his lap to draw out the hug.

 

“Still, this is a great relief, and I know you helped do this for me,” Caleb said quietly. He released her from the hug and climbed out of bed.

 

“We should grab our stuff and get breakfast. We’ll be leaving soon,” Nott said.

 

After Nott left to order food for them, Caleb stood with his meager belongings in his pack and took a moment to reflect. Nott wasn’t wrong. That was the worst nightmare he’d had in some time.

 

Thumb stroking across the necklace at his throat he felt his breathing slow. He was safe, and he was going to change things. He couldn’t stay focused on his past. Once he felt settled, he headed down the stairs to join his friend.

 

He quickly found Nott with Mollymauk at a table. Mollymauk moved to the side to make space between him and Nott. Caleb smiled and hoped that he didn’t look as exhausted as he felt as he took the offered seat between his friends.

 

“You look like I feel,” Mollymauk remarked genially. He took a swig of something that was clearly alcoholic before saying, “hair of the dog,” at Caleb’s questioning glance.

 

“You could probably fake not having a hangover easily. If it weren’t for how you wince at the light.” Caleb waved his hand to indicate his own eyes. “No one can tell if your eyes are bloodshot, and you wear eye makeup often.”

 

“Why Caleb,” Mollymauk smiled widely and leaned in close. “I had no idea that you paid such close attention to my eyes.”

 

Caleb’s eyes skirted Mollymauk’s pupilless gaze. There were light crinkles at the corners of Mollymauk’s eyes. The creases weren’t deep enough to indicate actual laugh lines, but they hinted at the laughter in Mollymauk’s relatively short experience.

Mollymauk had a nice smile, sharp teeth included. Caleb opened his mouth but realized he’d forgotten what he was going to say next. Just then a plate of food clattered loudly in front of him.

 

“I got your breakfast,” Nott announced loudly causing Mollymauk to wince in pain and scowl at her.

 

Caleb blinked and turned to face her, “Danke, Nott.” The lack of rest must be making him spacey. He might have been staring at Mollymauk too long to be appropriate. He could feel his cheeks and the back of his neck heat at the thought of his own awkward behavior. He hoped Mollymauk would not take the opportunity to tease him.

 

Thankfully Mollymauk just turned with a secretive smile and took another sip from his drink. Caleb tried a forkful of eggs, but his stomach churned unhappily. He sighed and snapped his fingers summoning Frumpkin onto the table beside him. The cat made a curious “mrrp” sound as Caleb scratched him behind the ear. Caleb grabbed the roll from his plate and stuffed it into his pack.

 

“If either of you want my sausage I suggest you grab it before Frumpkin does,” Caleb said as Frumpkin began delicately eating his eggs.

 

Mollymauk nearly choked on his drink halfway through Caleb’s sentence. He was still laughing as his hand darted out to grab the sausage from Caleb’s plate. “Well, how can I refuse an offer like that?” He said before slowly inserting the sausage into his mouth.

 

Caleb was trying to puzzle out the reason for Mollymauk’s outburst when he turned toward him and was hit by the erotic tableau Mollymauk depicted. Bolting up from his seat Caleb backed up and nearly fell over his own chair. Mollymauk’s free hand helped support Caleb’s lower back as he tilted wildly for a moment. He could feel a blush scorching across his cheeks and neck.

 

“It was nice having breakfast with you both. Now I should help get the horses ready.” Caleb said in a rush. If he’d cast Haste on them they probably could have heard that correctly. He didn’t give himself time for further embarrassment as he hurried out to the stable.

 

-

 

Molly grinned as he watched Caleb dart outside. Flustered was a fetching look on their wizard. He’d have to work on getting more glimpses of that blush in the future. Honestly, Molly had only two years of memory and he can’t remember a time when someone’s flirting got him that ruffled. Of course, a true friend helps you overcome such things. Molly’s smile widened as he imagined all the ways he could turn Caleb pink again.

 

He was drawn out of his musings by a kick to the shin. “Ow, what was that for Nott?” He asked while rubbing his leg. It hurt more than it should, but that girl was made of sharp edges.

 

“What’re you doing startling him away like that?” Nott asked grumpily as she stole the bacon out from under Frumpkin’s nose. Frumpkin hissed and made a halfhearted swiping motion at Nott with his paw. Nott hissed back and shoved the bacon into her mouth.

 

“He was already taking off,” Molly said over the revolting sound of Nott gnashing away at the bacon. “I think I’ll get him something to eat on the road before we leave. He’s all skin and bones.” Molly was thinking out loud so he wouldn’t have to hear Nott eat, but it was a good idea nonetheless.

 

“Caleb had a bad night. Sometimes that makes his stomach queasy afterward.” Nott was frowning now.

 

Molly hummed sympathetically as he recalled the sound of Caleb crying and the muted sounds of his wrecked voice through the door. “Well, we’ll just have to make sure that today is a better day.”

 

Nott looked unconvinced, “And how do you plan to do that?” She was obviously trying for sarcasm, but the tone of her voice was secretly hopeful.

 

“Well, let’s start with making sure he isn’t traveling on an empty stomach. We can plan more from there.” Mollymauk paused next to Nott on his way back to the barkeep. “You and Caleb aren’t traveling alone anymore Nott. The rest of us care about your boy, too.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to have the next chapter out soon.
> 
> "Jawohl mein Kommandant" = "Yes my commander."  
> "Was ist" = "What is"  
> "Danke" = "Thanks"


	3. Your Nightmares Follow You like a Shadow, Forever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mighty Nein discover a plot against one of their own.  
> There are some things you can't hide from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title quote:  
> “Your nightmares follow you like a shadow, forever. ”  
> ― Aleksandar Hemon, The Lazarus Project
> 
> Beta read by byzantiine (from ao3)
> 
> Warnings in the chapter for allusions to torture, brainwashing, murder, and self-hatred.

 

 

Travel was surprisingly pleasant the next day. Caleb was able to rest for awhile in the cart while the others kept an eye on the road. It was nice seeing Yasha bond with Frumpkin. Once Frumpkin returned to his side, Caleb’s drowsiness took hold. He allowed the cat’s purring and warmth to lull him to sleep.

He was startled awake later when the cart jolted to the side. He could see Nott out of the corner of his eye. She was leaning against his leg and frowning at the others.

Jester cackled as Fjord complained, “You can’t climb on top of me while I’m driving, Jester.”

“I wanted a better view,” Jester said as she bounced into the back of the cart with Caleb.

”You could’ve warned me, I took us off the road.” Fjord sounded more flustered than irate.

“Don’t worry so much Fjord, I made sure there was nothing you could hit with the cart before I tried to climb you.” Jester rolled her eyes and smiled at the others.

Caleb groaned as he stretched and wiped the sleep from his eyes. This seemed to draw both Nott and Jester’s attention.

“You woke Caleb up,” Nott scolded as she stood up. She moved closer to his side and patted his hair gently. “I was hoping you’d get some more sleep.”

“Sorry, Caleb,” Jester said. She sat down next to Nott and pulled a circlet of wildflowers out of her haversack bag and waved it in front of his face. “But now you can wear this flower crown I made with Nott!”

Caleb ducked to hide his blush as Nott continued fussing over him and his hair. Jester practically cornered him as she placed the flowers on his head.

“I now crown you, Mr. Sleepy Head,” Jester said happily. “Do you feel better, now?” Jester stood proudly with her hands on her hips.

Caleb took a sip from the waterskin Nott handed him. Partly to hide his burning cheeks and partly to give himself time to think. Jester was always _a lot_ , but especially so first thing after waking. After he finished his drink, he realized he felt surprisingly refreshed. He was still tired, but he no longer felt drained and his muscles didn’t ache all over.

“I feel much better,” Caleb said. Perhaps a nap was all he needed. Even his throat wasn’t as pained as when he woke in the morning. Nott beamed and moved back to give him space to sit upright.

“I told you, Nott,” Jester said. “Flowers have the power to heal.” There was a gentle teasing grin on Jester’s face as she waved her fingers in the air in a way Caleb guessed was meant to signify “flower magic”.

Caleb smiled slightly at their antics while Jester and Nott high-fived. He didn’t deserve friends like this. But he enjoyed the comfort and companionship they gave him. A furry little face butted against his hand, and Caleb began petting Frumpkin automatically.

 _Thank you for helping me sleep_ , Caleb thought to Frumpkin. A feeling of understanding, warmth, and mild concern swept over him from his familiar. Caleb gently picked his wondrous little friend up in order to better pet and dote on him.

“I’ll have to remember this flower magic,” Caleb teased mildly. “It sounds very useful.” He looked up and caught Jester’s eye before he ducked his head again to focus on Frumpkin purring in his lap.

“Did our wizard finish his beauty sleep already?” The cart shifted a little and Caleb could see Mollymauk’s boots land on the floor of the cart. Caleb raised his eyes and realized Mollymauk was settling in to sit directly across from him.

Caleb didn’t know what to say in response, since he was obviously awake, so he settled on awkwardly nodding. This caused the flower crown on his head to shift and nearly fall into his eyes. His eyes took a moment to focus before he recognized it as some kind of blue bellflower. His hands were occupied with his cat, so he left the flowers where they lay.

Mollymauk’s smile looked softer than usual as he rifled through his back and brought out something wrapped in a cloth napkin. “Hope you got your appetite back.” He reached out to hand the bundle over to Caleb.

Caleb let go of Frumpkin who settled into his lap and began kneading his claws into Caleb’s right leg. Frumpkin’s purr of contentment continued uninterrupted as Mollymauk passed the napkin-wrapped bundle of food over.

Once Mollymauk’s hands were free he reached up to gently lift the flowers out of Caleb’s eyes and set them back on his hair. Mollymauk grinned while Caleb’s face heated. It was a bit overwhelming having Mollymauk’s full focus on him.

Caleb lowered his gaze to the food. Opening the bundle revealed bacon, sweet rolls, and an omelet. “Thank you, Mollymauk,” Caleb said softly as he looked back up at the other man through his hair.

For a moment Caleb thought Mollymauk’s face turned a darker shade of purple. Perhaps Mollymauk was getting a sunburn? Caleb was hungry, and he tucked into his lunch quickly.

Mollymauk shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “Nott was worried because you didn’t eat much this morning. Too bad you didn’t try the sausage. They are delicious.” Mollymauk flashed him a familiar wicked smile.

Caleb nearly choked on the bacon. “Um, well, thank you, both of you. Very thoughtful.”

“Ooooh,” Jester said playfully. But before she could finish her thought, Mollymauk grabbed her by the elbow.

“I think Yasha and Beau need someone to interrupt the cloud of awkward hanging over them, and we are just the people for the job,” Mollymauk said. Jester huffed but followed him back to Yasha’s horse.

“What was that about?” Caleb asked Nott. Sometimes being around Mollymauk felt like having a whirlwind pass through you. You end up confused, ruffled, and with very little idea of how to react.

“No idea,” Nott said but she was frowning slightly. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, Caleb.”

“Danke, Nott,” Caleb said. He smiled as Frumpkin licked the bacon grease from his fingers. The purring became so intense it was making his leg vibrate where Frumpkin lay.

It was a calm day and it was good being away from the city and the dangers inherent in it. Here it was just them. No one was hunting them down for their past sins, no one cared what gods they worshiped, and no one cared that Yasha was Xhorhassian. There was no Trent Ikithon.

It felt like they could finally relax. Well, Jester seemed the same as ever, but he could tell some of the others felt the same as him. Yasha, in particular, seemed more comfortable. Especially when she spent time with Mollymauk or Frumpkin.

The day passed quickly, and soon it was time for them to make camp. In the end, they all decided to sleep in the cart. They made a campfire nearby to ward off the cold. Caleb used his silver thread to cast an alarm spell as far as he could around the cart.

There was barely enough space for all of them. Mollymauk was half laying across Yasha who seemed amused and unsurprised by her friend falling asleep splayed on top of her. Jester was on the first watch with Fjord, but Beauregard saved a small spot for her. Caleb had Frumpkin asleep on his chest and Nott was lying half on top of his legs and hip. After months of traveling in the cold wilderness together, Caleb was used to sleeping in a pile with his little friends.

“Goodnight, Caleb,” Nott said softly as she settled into sleep.

“Gute Nacht,” Caleb said back. He stayed awake for awhile. A part of him was worried about having a nightmare like the previous night’s again. However, his exhaustion, the comfort of his friends’ warmth, and the surrounding night sounds lulled him to sleep.

 

-

_Caleb was in Trent’s basement with Astrid and Eodwulf. He stared at a burn mark he’d made on the floor a week ago. He never liked trips to the basement. Much of the worst of their training took place there._

_“Who do you think they’ve caught this time?” Astrid asked. She sounded inquisitive._

_“I’m more curious about what they’ve done,” Eodwulf said. He’d thrown up after the first time they were asked to cast judgment on traitors. He didn’t get sick anymore._

_Caleb didn’t say anything in response. He just didn’t want to freeze again. He was lucky Astrid had stepped in when he’d faltered. If Trent had noticed him hesitate he could have gotten in deep trouble. His stomach churned at the thought of Trent’s punishments. This time he would be strong._

_There were footsteps heading down the stairs to them. Trent led a stocky bearded dwarf in chains in front of them. The chained man looked frustrated and angry. Luckily for them, the dwarf’s manacles kept his hands behind his back. They had nothing to fear from him._

_“This man,” Trent began, “is a revolutionary. He plotted with his friends to overthrow the local government in Deastock.” Trent jerked the prisoner forward. “He’s refused to name all of his accomplices. Get the information from him.”_

_Caleb stepped forward with flaming hands as Trent smiled with pride._

_-_

_A teenaged boy with a tear-stained face in a tattered uniform was presented before them in chains._

_“This man is a deserter. He abandoned his fellow soldiers in the heat of battle.” Trent spat at the boy’s feet and Caleb could feel the disgust filling the room. “He does not deserve a quick death.”_

_-_

_A female gnome was brought into the room._

_“She attempted to publish a series of essays degrading The Empire. She called for our monarchy to be torn down and a new government established. The King himself has called for her execution.”_

_-_

_“Attacking a Crown’s Guard in the course of his duty-”_

_The woman yelled, “He killed my son.”_

_Trent silenced her with a spell. “Enough, deal with her.”_

_-_

_“This woman has been preaching the word of Melora. Turning followers away from our sanctioned gods. She has turned her back on civilization.”_

_-_

_“He’s an anarchist-”_

_-_

_“Deviant who would tear apart one of the highest houses-”_

_-_

_“For publishing lies about The Empire and sending these lies out to neighboring kingdoms-”_

_-_

_“They were hiding traitors-”_

_-_

_“A necromancer who-”_

_-_

_“A Xhorhassian spy-”_

-

 

Nott was woken by Frumpkin’s frantic yowls. “What’s wrong?” Nott said and groaned as she sat up. She could see Frumpkin pawing at Caleb’s chest and yowling in his face. Caleb’s whole body was tense as a bowstring. Nott grabbed her waterskin. If Frumpkin crying wasn’t waking him then she doubted the usual methods would help.

By this time some of the others were starting to rouse, so Nott hurried to wake Caleb before Beau woke up in a mood. “Sorry,” she said before spraying him in the face. The water dripped down his head, but he didn’t react at all.

“Caleb,” Nott shook him gently but when there continued to be no reaction she shook him harder. “Caleb wake up.” She could see him breathing but she pressed her ear to his chest reassurance just the same. His heart was beating too fast, but he was alive.

“What’s wrong? Why is Frumpkin yelling?” Yasha asked. It looked like she was standing watch with Beau. Nott would be pleased about not being responsible for waking Beau, except _Caleb wouldn’t wake up_.

“There’s something wrong with Caleb,” Nott tried to stay calm, but her voice came out as a shrill yell.

“What?” Molly seemed fully awake now and was at her side in an instant. “What’s wrong?” He placed a hand on Caleb’s neck and felt his pulse. “His heart is beating like a rabbit.”

“He won’t wake up, and Frumpkin doesn’t freak out like that without a reason. They have a connection.” Nott held Caleb’s hand while she explained.

“What is wrong?” Jester dragged herself to their side. “I just got off watch so this had better be important.”

“Caleb won’t wake up, his pulse is way too fast, and Frumpkin is freaked out,” Molly summarized for her. He was stroking Caleb’s hair comfortingly, but Nott doubted her boy could feel it. Something was very wrong.

Jester reached out to place her hand on Caleb’s forehead. “I don’t feel any fever,” She said thoughtfully. “Has he been injured lately?”

"No,” Nott said quickly. “He was healed after The Victory Pit, and he hasn’t been hurt since then.”

Jester looked him over for awhile but Nott could tell from the expression on her face that she wasn’t finding anything useful. Yasha left Beau to stand watch and made her way over to them. She was standing next to the cart and looking over Caleb.

“Has this ever happened before?” Yasha asked.

“No,” Nott began, but then she remembered something. “Well, last night I tried to wake him when he was having a nightmare, and it didn’t work. But it was nearly morning and he woke on his own a little while later. Frumpkin wasn’t there last night.” The worried knot in the pit of her stomach grew as she realized she may have missed something the night before.

“I haven’t found anything wrong with him physically. Other than that he needs to eat and bathe more, of course,” Jester said. Her attempted joke came out weak and her tone belied her own anxieties.

“Could be magic,” Beau said from the front of the cart where she was listening. “Has your boy been doing any weird magic lately, Nott?”

”No,” Nott said as Yasha picked Frumpkin up from where he’s been panicking and pawing at Caleb’s still form. “Nothing I can think of.” But Beau had reminded her of something that might be important.

“Oh, but he ran into someone. He didn’t think they recognized him and Caleb left fast but-” Nott cut herself off. She had to be careful with Caleb’s secrets.

“Who did he run into, Nott?” Beau asked. Her voice sounded hostile now, but Nott had gotten to know Beau well enough by now to recognize her tone as tense worry.

“Caleb ran into Ikithon the night before we left,” Nott said. She clutched Caleb’s hand tightly in her own and hoped that he could feel her presence.

“ _What_?” Beau yelled.

“I remember that name. He’s a wizard, right?” Yasha asked. She looked uncertain and confused by the reactions of the others.

“Caleb’s afraid of him,” Nott said quietly. “And we know Ikithon is powerful, and that’s all I can say without his permission.”

Jester frowned and chewed on her lip. “I don’t have detect magic prepared. That’s something Caleb does.”

Molly sighed and pulled Caleb up so his shoulders and head could rest in Molly’s lap. “That’s not going to help us now.”

“I’m going to try asking the Traveler for help,” Jester said. She hopped out of the cart and walked a short distance away. They could see her clutching her holy symbol, but they couldn’t make out what she was saying.

“Would Ikithon hurt Caleb?” Molly asked.

“Probably, turns out the guy is a really sick bastard,” Beau said. She was leaning back toward them, probably to listen in better.

“How do you know that?” Molly asked. He looked a bit miffed about Beau knowing something that he didn’t.

“Caleb told me,” Beau said as if it was obvious.

”Why did he tell you and not me? I’m a delight and you’re… not,” Molly said. Beau threw a ball bearing at him, but it missed in the dark.

“I bribed him with books,” Beau said.

“Oh, I’ll have to remember that trick,” Molly said. His smile didn’t reach his weird eyes, though.

“Sorry, guys,” Jester said. “I couldn’t get in touch with The Traveler. He must be like, _really_ busy.”

“C’mon darling,” Molly said before he gave Caleb a slap across the face. There was no reaction from the man, but Nott shrieked in outrage. “It worked before,” Molly said raising his hands to placate her. “Sorry,” he said to Caleb as he kissed the top of his head.

“I have an idea,” Yasha said. She still had a squirming cat in her arms, so she handed Frumpkin over to Nott. Once her hands were free she pulled the greatsword from its sheath behind her. Then she pointed the sword at Caleb.

“What are you doing?” Nott said. She stood up to do something, but her arms were filled with a panicking cat, and oh god Yasha’d been a Xhorhassian spy the whole time-

Then the symbols on Yasha’s sword lit up and Caleb was bathed in light. An instant later Caleb’s eyes opened and he was gasped for air where he lay in Molly’s arms. Nott’s arms went lax in surprise and Frumpkin leaped out of them to climb back onto Caleb’s chest.

“I - What- what is- what is happening?” Caleb asked. He was breathing quickly and squinting in the dark.

Nott flung herself at Caleb, nearly mashing Frumpkin between them. “You’re okay, you’re okay.”

“Thank you, Yasha,” Molly said softly. Nott could see him stroking Caleb’s hair, but it didn’t look like Caleb had noticed yet.

“I don’t understand, what happened. Why are you all awake and-” Caleb didn’t have a chance to finish that thought.

“Frumpkin was yelling, and you wouldn’t wake up, so we tried everything, then Yasha pulled out her sword, and it glowed, and now you’re awake. I - I thought you weren’t going to wake up,” Nott said quickly. Her voice was starting to choke up and she could feel tears building in her eyes, so she focused on hugging Caleb.

“We think someone cursed you,” Jester said helpfully.

“And by someone, we mean fucking Trent,” Beau said as she turned to check on them all. “Luckily Yasha is clutch as hell.”

-

Caleb tried to put together what had happened as everyone added in their explanations. He’d been asleep and reliving terrible things. Remembering the faces of the people he’s hurt, too few that he’d known the names of. He recalled it all so clearly. They couldn’t wake him until Yasha used her sword. Dispell magic worked, so it had to be a spell. He couldn’t be targeted by divination magic. What had been done to him?

His hands automatically patted at Frumpkin and Nott reassuringly while his mind focused on narrowing down the spell. Seeing Trent recently was too big of a coincidence, he had to be responsible. It was a spell that attacks someone in their sleep... Suddenly, he realized what was happening.

“It’s not a curse,” Caleb said. “It’s Dream.”

“Um, pretty sure that was a curse, not a dream, Caleb,” Jester said from somewhere to his side.

“No, I mean, the spell, Dream. It’s an illusion spell. It’s not always used to hurt people.” Caleb started to sit up and was surprised to discover that he was laying in Mollymauk’s lap. Well, one upside to shock and exhaustion, he wasn’t falling over in embarrassment right now.   

“So, you’re thinking Ikithon used the Dream spell, and he did it to hurt you,” Beauregard asked. He could practically feel her anger from where he was. He didn’t care to wonder if the anger was for him or Trent. Either would be reasonable.

“Ja, that would make the most sense. Nott- Nott told you I saw him?” Caleb asked uncertainly.

“I just told them that Ikithon is an awful wizard who might be trying to hurt you,” Nott said apologetically.

“What exactly can this spell do?” Mollymauk asked gently from where Caleb was propped up against him. Caleb didn’t bother pulling further away. Mollymauk didn’t seem to mind, and Caleb didn’t want to move Nott and Frumpkin.

“When used to attack?” Caleb tried to think of how to explain it without further alarming Nott. He had to be honest, though, this affected his capabilities in the group. “It can target anyone on the same plane as you as long as they are asleep at the time of the casting. It causes a nightmare that lasts until you wake. The spell injures the target when they wake.”

“Does that mean you are injured?” Jester asked as she began looking him over. She tilted his chin up so she could stare at his eyes.

Caleb pulled away as much as he could while pinned between his friends. “No, Yasha broke the spell, I am fine.”

“We couldn’t wake you,” Mollymauk said softly in his ear. “Is that part of the spell?”

“...Nein,” Caleb said as he pulled Frumpkin up to hide his face against his cat. “I think- I think that was me.”

“What do you mean, Caleb?” Nott asked as she finally released him from her hug. Caleb felt oddly bereft until she settled against his side and wrapped one arm around his waist.

“I do not do well with flashbacks. Like-like in the mines.” Caleb said softly. He knew it was futile to hope he was not heard by the rest of the group. Everyone except Fjord was listening now. Miraculously, it looked like he’d slept through the drama.

“I think there’s a lot we’re going to need to discuss. But that can wait until morning. For now, we should get some rest,” Mollymauk said. He sighed unhappily. “And it’s time for my watch. Yasha, if you don’t mind switching.”

Mollymauk and Yasha switched places laying behind Caleb and holding onto him while Caleb tried to object. “You don’t need to - I’ll be fine,” Caleb attempted to reassure them as Yasha tucked him into her side.

“Nonsense, there’s barely enough room in the cart for all of us,” Mollymauk said before pressing a quick kiss to the top of Caleb’s head and switching places with Beauregard. Caleb was too tired to be uncomfortable as Yasha pulled him against her like a teddy bear.

“This way I get to cuddle with Frumpkin, too,” Yasha said quietly to Caleb as though she was revealing a secret. The arm around Caleb reached down so she could gently pet Frumpkin.

 _You shouldn’t want to help me or even touch me,_ Caleb thought. _I’ve killed people like you. And people like Jester, and Mollymauk… and Nott._ But he was still a selfish coward, so he said nothing and allowed them to comfort him. In the morning things would change, but he could keep this for now.

“Thank you, Yasha,” was all Caleb said aloud.

As everyone finally settled down again, Caleb made sure he didn’t fall asleep. Not that that was difficult with the horrors of his past floating through his mind. He faked sleep to make it easier for Yasha and Nott to rest. Frumpkin was not fooled, but that cat sat beside him and watched their surroundings as though guarding them.

As he listened to Yasha and Nott’s breathing even out, he remembered a moment from long ago. From when he was still beginning his lessons with Trent and considering the different schools of magic a wizard could learn.

_“How can you choose when all paths and spells are so powerful?” Caleb asked while looking through a book on illusion magic._

_Eodwulf frowned as he looked at the page Caleb was reading, “What has you so interested in illusions? I thought you were planning to choose evocation?”_

_“I’m still planning to focus on evocation,” Caleb said. “But they all have so much to offer. Just look at the Dream spell.” Caleb pointed at the description of the spell in excitement._

_“There are plenty of spells for sending messages,” Eodwulf said dismissively. “And this one leaves you vulnerable while casting.”_

_Caleb flushed with embarrassment but before he could argue with his friend Trent interrupted. “Dream is an interesting spell,” Trent said. “How would you use it against an enemy?”_

_Caleb had to think for a moment. His first plan for the spell was to use it to contact his parents while he was away. He rarely saw them anymore and letters weren’t the same._

_“Well, you can target anyone who sleeps and exists on the same plane as the caster. You don’t even have to know where they are. It’s possible to resist the spell but it can be cast multiple times if you are powerful enough, and if you have their skin, blood, or hair it’s easier for the spell to overpower them. The spell can be used to injure them and prevent them from rejuvenating from sleep. They cannot regain magic as they sleep, and the target becomes exhausted.”_

_“If you successfully cast Dream on a target for-” Caleb stopped as he performed a quick calculation, “six nights in a row the target will die.” Caleb looked up at their teacher with an excited smile. “But even if you don’t manage to use it every night, you can greatly weaken your enemy.”_

_Trent smiled at Caleb, “You’re a clever boy. Like me, you see potential in things that others overlook.”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  "Danke" = Thanks
> 
> "gute Nacht" = good night
> 
> "Ja" = yes
> 
> "Nein" = No
> 
> Yasha’s greatsword The Magician’s Judge can cast Dispell Magic once a day. Mechanically Dispell Magic starts as a level 3 spell, and Dream is level 5. Ashley would have to roll to break the spell, and it comes with a chance of failure. Yasha was lucky and stubborn this time.
> 
> For anyone confused by why Caleb thinks Dream is eventually lethal it has to do with game mechanics and will be explained later.
> 
> Fjord slept through everything because he was sent another weird dream from his patron.


End file.
